Weakness of Prejudice

The bully isn't strong. The bully feels the weakest, the most scared, and the most resourceless. That's why the bully bullies. Without any resources, or enough resources, to feel as though they are worthy, the bully shames others to take another's power and worthiness from them. If others lose the resources of feeling worthy of love, honor, and connection, then the bully no longer has to be alone in their unworthiness.

Unfortunately, we have infantilized bullying. Something children do. Something we grow out of at a certain age. "We're adults now, we don't bully. We just get even." Unfortunately, it's not true. If somehow by turning a certain age, we were able to feel worthy with a sense of self and purpose, that would be a wonderful thing. It often seems to be the opposite. The more pressure we feel to accomplish, know, achieve, and be more by some other personal or social standard - no matter what our age - the greater the chance we will know the bitterness of shame. The more shame we feel the more likely we are to bully others - again, no matter what our age.

Bullying is the emotional process behind prejudice. Just as bullying is not an expression of strength, neither is prejudice. Prejudice is the shaming of others because of our own sense of shame. This is not necessarily a direct relationship. We can feel shame at home, as a child and bully others at work or be prejudiced as we walk down the street, today. Our prejudice might have little to do directly with those whom we discriminate against. Shame is transferable. Fear is contagious.

Just as prejudice is not strong, prejudice is not confronted by muster enough strength, but by risking the vulnerability of being seen. It was not by strength that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. marched in Alabama and Washington D.C. It was taking the risk of vulnerability to be courageous. It was courage that gave him strength, not the other way around.

We cannot go to the Klan and simply teach them about their own sense of obvious shame and fear and unworthiness and expect the prejudice and violence to stop. We can however, begin to see the shame and fear and unworthiness in ourselves and begin to work through these with people we trust and love and who trust and love us. By addressing our own shame and sense of worthiness (or lack thereof) and theirs, we become less likely to perpetuate the personal, interpersonal, institutional, or societal shame/prejudice that we all tacitly or intentionally participate. We might have less personal and interpersonal work to do in terms of overt prejudice, but in a democracy we all have the obligation to address institutional and social discrimination.

Remember bullies join together under the mantra 'it's us against the world.' This joining together does not alleviate their loneliness or sense of unworthiness. No one becomes worthy by pooling feelings of unworthiness. This is what groups of bullies do. Pool their feelings of unworthiness and shun all vulnerability. Sometimes they're called gangs, sometimes they're called a Board of Directors. Worthiness comes from mutual vulnerability, compassion, and courage - the willingness to be seen and to see others as we truly are. Broken, beautiful, full of doubt, full of excellence. All of us human.