We us the phrase "I'm only human," as a way of saying, "give me a break, I'm not perfect."
What if saying, "I'm human," instead of using our nature as an excuse, became a symbol of excellence?
When we look at a magnificent piece of art or hear an awe-inspiring concert, we might say, something to the effect of, "That was divine!"
What if in the face of excellence, magnificence, and awe, we began to say, "Now that was human!"
This isn't one more attempt to make ourselves divine. In fact, I believe we have come to use our humanness as an excuse because we so often pressure ourselves and others towards some futile notion of perfection which is neither human, nor divine. This wouldn't erase our shortcomings, inabilities, and anxious tendencies towards cold-heartedness at all.
But perhaps if our language began to change, perhaps our humanity could begin to become a source of motivation, rather than an excuse for mediocrity.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Most of Us Don't Want Spiritual Growth
We live in a wants-based economy. There was a time when we used to purchase and invest our time, money, and attention into things we needed...because we needed them. We have become want-focused to a point that most of us struggle to know the difference between our wants and our needs. A needs-based economy has limited growth potential. A wants-based economy has an insatiable growth potential. That's why the market wants us to want things.
Not many of us want to do the necessary work to grow spiritually. Well, at least we don't want it in a way that we have grown accustomed to wanting things. I believe we do long for spiritual growth and deep meaning in our lives. Somewhere inside us, something desires this deep meaning even to the point of needing it. One step towards spiritual growth (and church growth) would be to gain clarity about this vital difference between want and need. The next step would be to nurture what is needed. The church is in the business of spiritual growth, feeding the poor, building community...things we need. Leave the wants to retail.
Not many of us want to do the necessary work to grow spiritually. Well, at least we don't want it in a way that we have grown accustomed to wanting things. I believe we do long for spiritual growth and deep meaning in our lives. Somewhere inside us, something desires this deep meaning even to the point of needing it. One step towards spiritual growth (and church growth) would be to gain clarity about this vital difference between want and need. The next step would be to nurture what is needed. The church is in the business of spiritual growth, feeding the poor, building community...things we need. Leave the wants to retail.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Come on Folks, It's Jesus...
I struck up a conversation the other day with a local pastor who belongs to a more conservative denomination than my own. I'd overheard him talking with another colleague about the other's successful new church start. We somehow came to the topic of missionaries he'd visited in India. He traveled there and worked with them for a couple weeks. The mission of these missionaries, a husband and wife team, was to literally pick up the handicapped of the under caste off the streets, bring them into their home and feed them. Once they established a relationship, they taught these "outcasted" computer skills. These once casted out human beings were eventually able to obtain employment and bring income to the very families that had left them in the streets. This rehabilitation was inconceivable, primarily because no one else would have risked investing the time, energy, compassion, and love into these folks for them to know their potential.
This other pastor and I paused after he finished his story. Both of us shook our heads when we compared this ministry to the institutional ministries we led. That missionary work is where Jesus would have been we agreed. That work in India was a place where Jesus' words, "well done, my good and faithful servants" would have been heard.
We acknowledged that we each knew enough about the other's denomination that if we had gotten into a discussion over doctrine, church governance, stances on abortion or homosexuality, we would have disagreed bitterly. However, both of us agreed a successful, flourishing new church start was a good and beautiful thing. We both agreed that subverting India's caste system by welcoming the stranger, feeding the hungry, and caring for (dare I say healing) the sick were good and beautiful things.
Why does it seem ironic to me that we - both liberal and conservative - could agree about Jesus' teachings? Certainly this conversation would not play out the same in all situations. But surely both literalists and those who aren't, can agree on how Jesus asked us to treat the poor? It's right there in the text. Why do we spend so much time on everything else? Perhaps we have too much at stake? Perhaps we are not as willing to take risks as these missionaries?
However we answer these questions, it seems the key to this ecumenical interaction was Jesus. Particularly how Jesus asks us to live our lives in relation to the poor. My experience is that Jesus also gets the attention of the unchurched, de-churched, and secular humanists, folks of all generations (even the generations missing in our churches). Not the died for your sins Jesus, not just be nice and mind your manners Jesus, but the radical boundary crossing, counter-cultural, love and compassion at any cost Jesus.
Ecumenism, pluralism, church growth, and spiritual growth can all begin with this Jesus.
How long will we make these things about something else?
How long will we make these things about something else?
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
It's Time
Somewhere within the infinitesimal moments of time between this moment and what is now the past we made a choice. We have made and are making a series of infinite choices to do precisely what we are doing this moment. The choice may not have been deliberate, intentional, or precise, but it was a choice that eminated from within the almagamation of thought, experience, emotion, spirit, and instinct that we know as our self.
Knowing this does two things. First, it correctly places the responsibility for our self within our own capacity for choice. This by no means makes the element of choice simple as some in our culture would falsely make it out to be. Our choice is also always indelibly formed by the external forces that come from the people we know as lovers or call strangers, as well as the group of people we know as society. It is impossible to remove the external or internalized impact of these forces from our decision-making process. Nevertheless, we are responsible to claim the responsibility of decision-making - however convoluted that responsibility may be - as our own.
Secondly, this means that we can choose to do something different at any time. The trick is the discernment of making those decisions based upon deliberate personal values. We can make a different decision in the time it took to finish reading this last word. Or this one. Or. That. One. Some of you know the decision you need to make, but haven't yet and should not read another word of this and go do that thing you've been putting off. Stop wasting your time reading my blither blather. Go do something. Make the choice. It's yours. Others will will tell you it's not. They'll tell you it's theirs. They're wrong. Go do something that matters. Waste not another nanosecond...because it's already passed.
Knowing this does two things. First, it correctly places the responsibility for our self within our own capacity for choice. This by no means makes the element of choice simple as some in our culture would falsely make it out to be. Our choice is also always indelibly formed by the external forces that come from the people we know as lovers or call strangers, as well as the group of people we know as society. It is impossible to remove the external or internalized impact of these forces from our decision-making process. Nevertheless, we are responsible to claim the responsibility of decision-making - however convoluted that responsibility may be - as our own.
Secondly, this means that we can choose to do something different at any time. The trick is the discernment of making those decisions based upon deliberate personal values. We can make a different decision in the time it took to finish reading this last word. Or this one. Or. That. One. Some of you know the decision you need to make, but haven't yet and should not read another word of this and go do that thing you've been putting off. Stop wasting your time reading my blither blather. Go do something. Make the choice. It's yours. Others will will tell you it's not. They'll tell you it's theirs. They're wrong. Go do something that matters. Waste not another nanosecond...because it's already passed.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Unworthiness...Nurture, not Nature
None were born feeling unworthy, inadequate, insufficient, weak, or dumb. We each came into this world screaming, breathing, trying to take in every movement, touch, bodily sensation, color and sound ready to learn all this world has to teach. We did not know the meaning of inadequate. At some point though, we looked around and saw others afraid, shamed and shaming. We learned this fear and this shame and when we were old enough we began to practice it on others. We didn't know any better. None of us desires to feel unworthy. None would say that feeling unworthy is something they freely chose. We were taught it. We were shown it. We experienced it. So we learned it. And as much as we'd like to let others keep it, some of it always gets on us. It's impossible to shame someone else without knowing shame yourself. But it's ok, because baby, you were not born that way.
How often are we waiting for the next shaming, the next reminder of inadequacy and unworthiness? In my experience, always. All the time.
We want to connect, but when our only tool is shame, we use it and only get distance. We use it because we desire connection and often don't know what other tool to use. We've had the most practice and experience with shame. No wonder we're so confused about desperately wanting to connect, but rarely experience meaningful connection. Our primary tool for connection is a tool of unworthiness.
Use love.
It's ok. You can give up shame. It's not you. You learned it. You don't really feel that way about yourself. It's not really how you want others to feel either. You are worthy. It's ok. Show others they are worthy by connecting and loving them. Don't worry when they're surprised. They aren't used to others showering them with worthiness. Most of us aren't. We're more accustomed to shame. It's ok. Don't lose heart. Keep loving. Keep showing worthiness. Keep connecting. Others will catch on. They'll catch on when they feel worthy. One day they'll like it better and let go of their fear. And so will you. You are loved. Keep loving.
How often are we waiting for the next shaming, the next reminder of inadequacy and unworthiness? In my experience, always. All the time.
We want to connect, but when our only tool is shame, we use it and only get distance. We use it because we desire connection and often don't know what other tool to use. We've had the most practice and experience with shame. No wonder we're so confused about desperately wanting to connect, but rarely experience meaningful connection. Our primary tool for connection is a tool of unworthiness.
Use love.
It's ok. You can give up shame. It's not you. You learned it. You don't really feel that way about yourself. It's not really how you want others to feel either. You are worthy. It's ok. Show others they are worthy by connecting and loving them. Don't worry when they're surprised. They aren't used to others showering them with worthiness. Most of us aren't. We're more accustomed to shame. It's ok. Don't lose heart. Keep loving. Keep showing worthiness. Keep connecting. Others will catch on. They'll catch on when they feel worthy. One day they'll like it better and let go of their fear. And so will you. You are loved. Keep loving.
Weakness of Prejudice
The bully isn't strong. The bully feels the weakest, the most scared, and the most resourceless. That's why the bully bullies. Without any resources, or enough resources, to feel as though they are worthy, the bully shames others to take another's power and worthiness from them. If others lose the resources of feeling worthy of love, honor, and connection, then the bully no longer has to be alone in their unworthiness.
Unfortunately, we have infantilized bullying. Something children do. Something we grow out of at a certain age. "We're adults now, we don't bully. We just get even." Unfortunately, it's not true. If somehow by turning a certain age, we were able to feel worthy with a sense of self and purpose, that would be a wonderful thing. It often seems to be the opposite. The more pressure we feel to accomplish, know, achieve, and be more by some other personal or social standard - no matter what our age - the greater the chance we will know the bitterness of shame. The more shame we feel the more likely we are to bully others - again, no matter what our age.
Bullying is the emotional process behind prejudice. Just as bullying is not an expression of strength, neither is prejudice. Prejudice is the shaming of others because of our own sense of shame. This is not necessarily a direct relationship. We can feel shame at home, as a child and bully others at work or be prejudiced as we walk down the street, today. Our prejudice might have little to do directly with those whom we discriminate against. Shame is transferable. Fear is contagious.
Just as prejudice is not strong, prejudice is not confronted by muster enough strength, but by risking the vulnerability of being seen. It was not by strength that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. marched in Alabama and Washington D.C. It was taking the risk of vulnerability to be courageous. It was courage that gave him strength, not the other way around.
We cannot go to the Klan and simply teach them about their own sense of obvious shame and fear and unworthiness and expect the prejudice and violence to stop. We can however, begin to see the shame and fear and unworthiness in ourselves and begin to work through these with people we trust and love and who trust and love us. By addressing our own shame and sense of worthiness (or lack thereof) and theirs, we become less likely to perpetuate the personal, interpersonal, institutional, or societal shame/prejudice that we all tacitly or intentionally participate. We might have less personal and interpersonal work to do in terms of overt prejudice, but in a democracy we all have the obligation to address institutional and social discrimination.
Remember bullies join together under the mantra 'it's us against the world.' This joining together does not alleviate their loneliness or sense of unworthiness. No one becomes worthy by pooling feelings of unworthiness. This is what groups of bullies do. Pool their feelings of unworthiness and shun all vulnerability. Sometimes they're called gangs, sometimes they're called a Board of Directors. Worthiness comes from mutual vulnerability, compassion, and courage - the willingness to be seen and to see others as we truly are. Broken, beautiful, full of doubt, full of excellence. All of us human.
Unfortunately, we have infantilized bullying. Something children do. Something we grow out of at a certain age. "We're adults now, we don't bully. We just get even." Unfortunately, it's not true. If somehow by turning a certain age, we were able to feel worthy with a sense of self and purpose, that would be a wonderful thing. It often seems to be the opposite. The more pressure we feel to accomplish, know, achieve, and be more by some other personal or social standard - no matter what our age - the greater the chance we will know the bitterness of shame. The more shame we feel the more likely we are to bully others - again, no matter what our age.
Bullying is the emotional process behind prejudice. Just as bullying is not an expression of strength, neither is prejudice. Prejudice is the shaming of others because of our own sense of shame. This is not necessarily a direct relationship. We can feel shame at home, as a child and bully others at work or be prejudiced as we walk down the street, today. Our prejudice might have little to do directly with those whom we discriminate against. Shame is transferable. Fear is contagious.
Just as prejudice is not strong, prejudice is not confronted by muster enough strength, but by risking the vulnerability of being seen. It was not by strength that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. marched in Alabama and Washington D.C. It was taking the risk of vulnerability to be courageous. It was courage that gave him strength, not the other way around.
We cannot go to the Klan and simply teach them about their own sense of obvious shame and fear and unworthiness and expect the prejudice and violence to stop. We can however, begin to see the shame and fear and unworthiness in ourselves and begin to work through these with people we trust and love and who trust and love us. By addressing our own shame and sense of worthiness (or lack thereof) and theirs, we become less likely to perpetuate the personal, interpersonal, institutional, or societal shame/prejudice that we all tacitly or intentionally participate. We might have less personal and interpersonal work to do in terms of overt prejudice, but in a democracy we all have the obligation to address institutional and social discrimination.
Remember bullies join together under the mantra 'it's us against the world.' This joining together does not alleviate their loneliness or sense of unworthiness. No one becomes worthy by pooling feelings of unworthiness. This is what groups of bullies do. Pool their feelings of unworthiness and shun all vulnerability. Sometimes they're called gangs, sometimes they're called a Board of Directors. Worthiness comes from mutual vulnerability, compassion, and courage - the willingness to be seen and to see others as we truly are. Broken, beautiful, full of doubt, full of excellence. All of us human.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bad Business
Church boards and councils do not suffer from too much business talk.
They suffer from too much talk about bad business. Thriving companies do not spend large portions of meetings nitpicking line items of large (or small) budgets, making decorating decisions, micro-managing, complaining about how the customers just don't get it. For that matter, they don't spend large portions of time in meetings.
Thriving businesses have a clear vision. They focus on two things: high-quality products and excellent customer service. Everything else is at the service of these two things. If staffing inhibits these, staffing changes. If the institutional structures inhibit these, structures change. If marketing and branding inhibit these, they change. All of these changes and all efforts are at the service of the clear vision for product and customer. Boards give direction to this end. Staff carries it out.
Thriving businesses do these things. Businesses that don't die or are dying.
These changes might happen slowly, they might cause pain, they will certainly cause anxiety. Even slow incremental change in the right direction is a sign of life. More clarity and more nerve can bring more speed. It will likely bring more anxiety, but it will be worth it. That is one thing about being dead: no anxiety.
For now, I prefer the alternative. I don't like anxiety, but I believe possibilities are more powerful. Whether it's doing church really well or running a business really well, a clear, compelling vision makes all the difference. Spend time on that. Forget everything else. Everything else won't matter if the vision isn't right. Once that's in place, find the right people to run the race, then go. Change the world.
They suffer from too much talk about bad business. Thriving companies do not spend large portions of meetings nitpicking line items of large (or small) budgets, making decorating decisions, micro-managing, complaining about how the customers just don't get it. For that matter, they don't spend large portions of time in meetings.
Thriving businesses have a clear vision. They focus on two things: high-quality products and excellent customer service. Everything else is at the service of these two things. If staffing inhibits these, staffing changes. If the institutional structures inhibit these, structures change. If marketing and branding inhibit these, they change. All of these changes and all efforts are at the service of the clear vision for product and customer. Boards give direction to this end. Staff carries it out.
Thriving businesses do these things. Businesses that don't die or are dying.
These changes might happen slowly, they might cause pain, they will certainly cause anxiety. Even slow incremental change in the right direction is a sign of life. More clarity and more nerve can bring more speed. It will likely bring more anxiety, but it will be worth it. That is one thing about being dead: no anxiety.
For now, I prefer the alternative. I don't like anxiety, but I believe possibilities are more powerful. Whether it's doing church really well or running a business really well, a clear, compelling vision makes all the difference. Spend time on that. Forget everything else. Everything else won't matter if the vision isn't right. Once that's in place, find the right people to run the race, then go. Change the world.
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